ΑΝΕΞΑΡΤΗΤΟΙ ΠΑΝΑΘΗΝΑΙΚΟΙ
Το blog απευθύνεται αυστηρώςPublished on: 24.04.2012
Jacamo And Dentists Reap Benefits Of Cupcake Trend
01 April 2012 04:29:00
The current culinary craze for cupcakes topped with high rise structures constructed of icing (or frosting, for pretentious types) has proved to be a boon for both dentists and the clothing manufacturer for oversized, or fat, men, Jacamo, with both areas of trade reporting record profits.
The trend appeared to start when the phrase 'credit crunch' was first being uttered in those first halcyon days of the recession. As purse strings across the country were tightened and budgets were cut, millions of people suddenly decided to start baking cakes at home, replacing their once hideous and outrageous spending habits with equally monstrous iced cupcakes. The creations of these Frankenstein fancies, in the majority of cases built by women and thus referred to as 'cute', have proved to be a bigger burden on men due to the fact the women don't actually plan to eat the cakes themselves.
One pokry victim explained that his girlfriend 'decided to knock up a batch of fifteen cupcakes while I was at work. I walked through the front door and she was sitting at the table smiling at me with a plate of blocks of icing in front of her, each one with a tiny little cake underneath. I ate one to please her, somehow managing to find a way through the mountainous iceberg that sat smugly on top. When I finished she offered me another one. I asked her if she was having one, but she said no, because she was on a diet and didn't like cakes anyway. It soon dawned on me that I was expected to eat the entire batch. After this first time it has happened every few weeks. She even wedges entire biscuits into the icing now, too. My teeth are starting to fall out and I've gained two stone. She doesn't even ask if I want fifteen cakes, she just makes them, and if I say no she comes at me with a knife for not putting her feelings first.'
This harrowing account is by no means an isolated incident as men up and down Great Britain are racking up huge dental bills and registering accounts on the Jacamo website in order to replace their old, smaller clothes. In fact, just three weeks ago the first cupcake fatality was recorded as one doting husband attempted to eat a cupcake with a block of icing that stood at three feet four inches high and weighed approximately four stone. One eyewitness described the creation 'as though Godzilla ate a thousand boxes of Lucky Charms and then took a shit on a tiny cake.' As the man tried to grapple with the homemade monstrosity baked up by his wife, the miniscule cake underneath buckled and gave way, followed by the table that it was sitting on, causing the icing to topple forward onto the victim, pinning him to the floor, smothering his head. Ordinarily, the man could have wriggled free, but he had gained so much weight in the preceding six weeks due to his icing intake that he was too fat to simply roll over, suffering a slow sugary suffocation.
Cupcake critics say that men need to speak up and simply tell their other halves to stop making so many cakes, or to at least ask for some cake with their icing as a starting point. Some commentators are optimistic that David Cameron will dart his amphibian eye across the craze and decide to stage a photoshoot in which he appears to be spontaneously baking cakes like any normal, poor shit-eater would. It is hoped that when this happens, homemade-cupcake-iced-mountains-with-entire-biscuits-on-top will be dropped quicker than you can say 'Coalition.'
Police announce refusal to shake hands will result in prison sentence
13 February 2012 12:26:00
Following Luis Suarez's refusal to shake hands with Patrice Evra at the weekend, the UK police has announced that those refusing to shake hands with their victims will be given a harsh prison sentence.
In a move likely to stun the British public, the refusal to shake hands with victims of crime will get a harsher punishment than the initial physical violence or racist abuse.
A spokesperson for the police comments:
"The Suarez-Evra affair taught us one thing, the handshake is vital. It's all very well if you physically hurt someone or racially abuse them but not shaking the victim's hand is out of order and WILL NOT be tolerated. That demands an instant apology or punishment, more so than the initial crime."
A culprit of the crime said:
"I racially abused a random black fella the other day. I refused to apologise to him for this. It was his fault, he was black. As a compromise for my refusal to apologise, the police ordered me to shake my victim's hand, but I refused again. The police went mental, put me on the floor and forced me to apologise for refusing to shake his hand, so I did. Why didn't they react like that when I did the actual racist abuse?!"
The new law, known as the Kenny-Suarez Law, will come into play this week, with anyone refusing to shake hands being sent straight to court in a move similar to those involved in the riots last year.
One person taking advantage of this new wave of public opinion for handshakes is Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez who has yet to apologise for refusing to play against Bayern Munich but blamed his problems with the club on the fact he didn't shake hands with Mancini before the game.
Kia Joorabchian, Tevez's mouthpiece, said "Carlos now realises he was in the wrong. He didn't shake Mancini's hand before the match. That's why he was so pissed off - it's so clear to us now! Nothing to do with his refusal to warm-up and come on as a substitute. It was the lack of handshake! Tevez apologises for this. So to clarify Tevez apologises for the handshake and NOT for his refusal to play in the match. There problem over. Let's move on."
Facebook Spies Take Leave Due To Snow Updates
05 February 2012 02:24:00
The multi-billion dollar spying network known as 'Facebook' is reported to have sent home as much as 97% of its workforce today, maintaining a skeleton crew to keep the website ticking over, as all everyone on the website is talking about is the snow.
A disappointed insider sighed 'when Facebook is running under normal conditions everyone in our network will happily share every single boring and mundane detail about their life. We don't even need to pressure them, it's just natural human behaviour to take a picture of your dinner and upload it, to take a 'wacky' photo of yourself wearing 3D glasses in the cinema and to post a thousand check-ins on your Saturday night out with all your friends tagged in so that everyone knows that you're out and that you have friends. People like to show off in public, even if it means going on Facebook during an apparently amazing night out. Obviously, we've been storing all of this information for years and selling it on to other relevant companies for use in targeted advertising.'
As tears started to well up in the insider's eyes, he or she continued; 'but as soon as it starts snowing everything changes. Everyone rushes to their computer or laptop, or grabs their phone in order to write a status update that it is indeed snowing outside, just so that everyone knows. Before long, this snowballs and news feeds everywhere are blanketed in a blizzard of snow related updates. There's nothing sadder than seeing the words "316 of your friends have commented about the snow". This is then followed by a flurry of photos of houses, back gardens and parks covered in snow, by people doing snow angels, by pictures of snowball fights and giant snow penises. It's the same every winter; it was nice the first time, but now it's hurting us, emotionally and financially. We can't sell that kind of information! It's just not fair!'
The insider soon cheered up, however, when he learned that the snow was starting to thaw, that normal service would resume and that the spies would be returning in a day or so to monitor the lives of Facebook users posting updates about things as boring as - snow.
Harry Redknapp hired by RBS
27 January 2012 05:27:00
Football manager Harry Redknapp has today been hired by the Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) as their chief economic advisor.
The banking firm, which is 80% owned by the UK taxpayer, decided to make the move after Mr Redknapp managed to successfully communicate no knowledge or memory of his financial misdemeanors in his trial for tax evasion this past week.
The banking firm were also encouraged by Mr Redknapp's admission that he writes like a two year old, as this immediately gives him a huge advantage over many of the RBS's employees.
An RBS spokesperson says, "We are delighted to welcome Harry Redknapp onto the RBS team and feel he can really turn around the firm's fortunes. During the trial we have seen how Mr Redknapp skillfully avoided tax and feel this is something we can use to good effect at RBS."
"Moreover his popularity with Spurs fans, many of whom are members of the Jewish community, will mean he's popular with our bankers, lawyers and accountants, many of whom are members of the Jewish community."
However, the news that a football manager has been hired by the RBS has been received negatively by the UK taxpayer.
A spokesperson for the UK Taxpayer Alliance said, "The UK public is already disillusioned with RBS after employees at the company received record bonuses courtesy of the UK taxpayer, so hiring someone with no knowledge of the financial sector is an extreme oversight on their part."
Mr Redknapp is set to be paid over £1 million for his role as the RBS's financial advisor, with any extra bonuses being paid into a special account in the name of his pet dog.
UPDATED 'I'm Not Enjoying This' - Episode 6 (London Date)
08 January 2012 07:43:00
Episode six of ‘I’m Not Enjoying This’ is the final show of the first series. Frank and Anne-Marie are now seeing more of each other, but Anton is proving to be a drain on Frank’s time and patience as he tries too hard to get over his rejection at the hands of Nicola. At work, Frank has an extremely odd three month performance review, which he passes before having to perform a horrendous forfeit. Frank’s plans to take Anne-Marie out on a London Day Date make Anton furious, but his actions only cause an argument with Frank, and everything reaches an explosive head at the finale.
I'm Not Enjoying This - Episode Six: London Day Date
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