101 HILARIOUS JOKES
Why Microsoft shouldn\'t make cars \nForbidden love \nQuick Tips \nGo on, tell them \nTwo sides of the story \nLittle Nancy \nAnniversary \nPress clippings \nThe Urinal Challenge \nPay attention ,You Have a Joke pls tell use Leave your Comments,Jokes on Comment Page Thank You.Why Microsoft shouldn't make cars
11 December 2008 01:57:44
Why Microsoft shouldn't make carsAt a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buymore seats.6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
Forbidden love
11 December 2008 01:57:20
Forbidden loveThey were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance. She wished he would take her in his arms, comfort her, protect her from the storm, she wanted that....Then the power went out. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms.He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.The storm raged on, as did their growing passion.... There came a moment when each knew they had to be together.They knew it was wrong... their families would not understand ... but... so consumed in their passion, they didn't hear the door open... the click of the light switch ... the power was back on, and.............CAUGHT..........
Quick Tips
11 December 2008 01:56:59
Quick TipsX-FILES FANS! Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by simply drinking two bottles of vodka. The following morning you will invariably wake up in a strange place, having had your memory mysteriously "erased". ------------------------------------------IF YOU WIN THE LOTTERY... Buy up every ticket for each night Garth Brooks plays his local gigs. Then stand in the middle of the field, wait for the big turd to finish his first song, then shout "YOU'RE SHIT!" and walk out.The second night would involve the same thing - after the first song simply shout "YOU'RE STILL SHIT!" and walk out. ------------------------------------------CLAIRVOYANTS! Instead of booking expensive TV commercials asking people to ring you looking for their horoscopes, show your customers what you're made of by calling them *just* before they pick up the phone. ------------------------------------------ JUDGES! Have a bit of harmless fun with the accused when giving judgment - take out a black hanky and put it on your head. ------------------------------------------CINEMA-GOERS! Save your time and money by not going to see the Blair Witch Project. Instead, fill a large plastic bag with dry leaves. Then shake the bag while the light is switched off. ------------------------------------------ AIRCRAFT MANUFACTURERS! Why not consider using the material used in the Black Box for the whole plane. ------------------------------------------POLICE! Arrest that man out walking his dog. He has come across too many dead bodies for our liking. ------------------------------------------ RESTAURANT CUSTOMERS! Tie a tablecloth around your neck and tell the waiter "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?" ------------------------------------------ PARANOID X-FILE FANS! Make guests believe your flat might be bugged by running your hands under the tables and inside lampshades, then turning on the shower every time you want to speak. ------------------------------------------BIG MAC EATERS! Transform your garage into a drive-in McDonalds. Simply sit in your car, lower your window and demand that your wife/girlfriend/little sister brings you a cup of coffee, on roller skates.------------------------------------------HOME OWNERS! Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on December 26th. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.------------------------------------------TROUBLE WITH NOSY NEIGHBORS? Convince them that you've just invented a 'SHRINKING' device.Simply ruffle up your hair, wear a white lab coat and park a bulldozer outside your house for a few days.Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and secretly replace the bulldozer with a small Dinky/Tonka toy of the same description.Just watch their faces in the morning!
Anniversary
11 December 2008 01:55:13
AnniversaryWhen Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."They hugged and made their peace.A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
The Urinal Challenge
11 December 2008 01:54:21
The Urinal ChallengeYou mission is to identify correctly, based on proper urinal etiquette, the stall at which you should stand. Good luck!1. Urinals 2 and 4 are occupied.XX123456ANSWER: The correct answer is 6. It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.2. Urinal 1 is occupied.X123456ANSWER: The correct answer is 6. Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.3. No urinals are occupied.123456ANSWER: The correct answer is 1 or 6. By choosing one of these, you are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me."4. Urinals 2, 4 and 6 are occupied.XXX123456ANSWER: The correct answer is 1. You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium rest rooms where the herd thunders in.5. Urinals 2, 5 and 6 are occupied.XXX123456ANSWER: The correct answer is 4. Believe it or not, 1 or 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice it to say, only we men would understand!6. Urinals 1, 2, 5 and 6 are occupied.XXXX123456ANSWER: The answer is NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for God's sake, man, use a stall with a door!ADDITIONAL RULES:NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.I don't think I need to tell you, but absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is the highest offense.NO Singing. Period.Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again."
Pay attention
11 December 2008 01:52:54
Pay attention"Are You Paying Attention?" A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting."You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit."The second thing is that you must have an acute sense ofobservation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."
What Men Really Mean.
11 December 2008 01:52:07
What Men Really Mean."I'm going fishing."Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.""Woman driver."Really means..."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.""It's a guy thing."Really means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."Really means...Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling."My wife doesn't understand me."Really means..."She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.""It would take too long to explain."Really means..."I have no idea how it works.""Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."Really means..."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""It's a really good movie."Really means..."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.""That's women's work."Really means..."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.""Go ask your mother."Really means..."I am incapable of making a decision.""I do help around the house."Really means..."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.""I can't find it."Really means..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
You're next
11 December 2008 01:51:46
You're nextWhen I was younger I hated going to weddings...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Anyone for a drink?
11 December 2008 01:51:25
Anyone for a drink?At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman. "In 'Strailya?, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate." Rob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next. "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - gimme a Bud". Hans steps up next "In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me un Helles, ze REAL King of beers." Jan, chief executive of Grolsch follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top. Patrick, CEO of Guinness, steps forward. "Barman, give me a coke with ice please".The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?" Patrick replies "Well, if you bastards aren't drinking, then neither am I."
French Computers
11 December 2008 01:51:02
French ComputersA language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine."'House,' in French, is feminine - 'la maison' and 'Pencil,' in French, is masculine 'le crayon.'"One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether 'computer' should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer'), because:1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer'), because:1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Do you like this blog?
Loading... (rating 0)
